Saturday, April 4, 2009


May 3rd is the day I see on the calendar that has stars noting it, circles suggesting its importance, and within that little black three lies a wealth of opportunity. Well, not really a wealth, but definitely more options than May 2nd or 1st.
On this day I will journey on with fellow journeyer [who would have thought it would be journeyer before journier][p.s. thanks little red lines for keeping me in line...wait, you can't use the same word twice in a 'p.s.'] ...fellow journeyer Aubree to the land where Mistletoe adorns doorways as the state flower, its' name is based on Choctaw Indian words for "redman", and its' children grow up to love it so much they ink themselves with its' outline- Oklahoma!

Where the wind comes sweeping down the plains and waving wheat can sure smell sweet, when the wind comes right behind the rainnnn! - thank you Mr.Miller for 8th grade choir, you did so well I can sing that 6 years later. Dear ol Christina & Byron are starting a new chapter of life together there and they've asked me to help take a load. The tricky part about all this is that I have decisions.
and they have to be made
and quite soon at that

A good, fair college student has asked if she could live in our house [may-august] and I suggested she take my spot. Now, yes, that does leave me homeless, but may also be a suggestion from God to not be here anymore. So lets do some math, girl takes my spot at the beginning of May + driving out to the midwest at the beginning of May + by the time the girl is to give me my spot back our lease here is up + i've been ready to leave Nashville since He sent me back = ?
Should I stay or should I go!
Is this help from God to not be in Nashville anymore? Could it be, oh could it! That still leaves me with one problem though, Where do I go and what do I do in less than one month? If I'm already in OK do I continue on?

I could drive a bands' van, because I excel at driving [disregard the ticket I happened to acquire yesterday]. So lately I've been narrowing bands down to ones that have at least one lady along and are ministry focused. From here...may Gods' will be done.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

wrong side of the tracks

Right off the bat I can list about 50 things that I either didn't learn or stopped learning about due to fear. For some reason I hadn't even thought of this fear stemming from anyone but myself until at our home group on Monday a 26 yr. old man was being broke down in this one specific area. He kept saying how angry he was with his mother for instilling this fear in him from such a young age. Got me thinking. I was taught that to be anything but the most amazing, at everything, always, was as good as failure. What? What is that? What kind of parent really lets there child think that? Oh generational curses.
No thanks, this is one I refuse to take.
He didn't know any better though. Just got pointed to the wrong side of the tracks by those dang, self righteous, southern baptists [i just asked forgiveness for judging them].

Everything I own was basically free, so if sold it would all be profit. Profit, to finance standing in front of egyptian pyramids, insignificance in the Himalayas, and epic LOTR battlefield sites first class. Hm..

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Fore-warning, Forewarning, Forwarning- (sp?)

Do not live with your best friend[s] if:
-They already have a boyfriend
-They do not have a boyfriend, but do have the prospect to fill such a position
-They are engaged
-or married
-Unless..they have been married for more than 4 years

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Bringing back childhood!

So excited

Still here

For a while there I thought I was meant for something great, that God had these amazing plans lined up for me that coincided with every fairy tale dream I had and then...I looked around and realized that after x amount of years following Him, I was still doing the same thing with my life. Then I wondered where exactly He was in this picture and why He had not swept me away to the fulfillment of those dreams. (Stump does a great job at making the 'slap in the face' from God more realistic.) Fortunately enough for us all, we are entitled to nothing. I'm actually not even entitled to be apart of this grand scheme of God, but He wants me there. He wants my participation. He wants me to intercede & care where others lack the ability to do so.
Erina got a piece published in Relevant magazine last month or month before and had a copy of the issue it was in, lying in the living room. I skimmed through it trying to find her article but before I did I came across another article. I don't remember much about it except that the general gist was about not being a radical for God. There are enough people adding their name to the list of names to be a radical, but what we are called to be is actually quite simple. Community, sharing, loving, not selfishly consuming are obvious, simple requirements not radical ones. Radical just seems like a term that draws all attention to oneself, not the glorification of God.
Would I be ok with my occupation ending up with me at the tea room the rest of my life and my ministry being in Nashville?
Would I be ok with no one recognizing the things I do beyond human sight or knowledge of those things and just being content with knowing God has a time when I will be honored for all those things? probably not, but God make me that way.
What if my entire life went by and I had zero recognition and the only thing I was called to do was the most insignificant thing I could think of, but to God it's not insignificant?
When we dedicate our lives to God and form this relationship it's almost as if we receive His brain. Now we still have ours but if we are in such close bond with Him we would not even have to question the actions we carry out or the words we choose to deliver because they are of Him.

I'm learning.
So still working in the good ol tea industry, still living in Nashville, still doing the same hobbies, and He just wants me to be His creation. Just enjoy this season and be the creation and let Him do the creating of future plans.

still dealing with unfortunate family matters-
Holly has gone to rehab now and hates it, as is expected.
Mom is numb and tries to avoid dealing with anything by
working long hours.
Dad, who knows. and unfortunately I have not endured
enough healing to care yet.
Josh is numb.

Friday, March 27, 2009


So I've been researching things about 1st, 2nd, & 3rd heaven. This can be quite amazing and confusing at the same time. I don't understand how something that is just theory can be preached on as fact, but perhaps I have more to learn in that. The only place in the Bible that I have found talk of all this is 2 Corinthians 12, where Paul is taken up to 3rd heaven, thus many assume that their have to be a 1st and 2nd. Sometimes, I will admit, I do get caught up on the facts instead of relying of God to teach me what I need to be taught, but I really just find all this interesting. Can you imagine just worshiping or enjoying being in Gods' presence and suddenly you are taken to His throne? At the same time though, if you are already dwelling in His presence aren't you equally as close as Paul was in this scripture. So good, so much, so intense. I love this part where he tries so hard to speak of wanting people to hear of his experience, but at the same time not wanting to give off the impression of boasting. I feel like I encounter this alot, but I also think God has a way of sweeping up behind us. He knows our hearts and our intentions and if He knows you are not trying to boast I'm certain He intends on straightening misunderstood words out to people. What a relief!

'So to keep me from being proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness".

Couple thoughts on that. One- funny how Satan persists to break down, but God always builds strength despite his attempts. Two- "My power works best in weakness"- GOOD, because I'm the weakest. Grace, if only I could become more accepting of this provision.

I can feel the daily healing that God has been working in me. I can see the daily healing that God has been working in me. & all this is only through that grace

so much.

Living with 6 now in the house is amazing. 5 was good, but having Angela just being on the couch is such an encouragement and in such a weird way. I feel as though we are her older sisters learning to have patience with her and she desires so much to just learn and grow- two way st. Our house is closer than ever as well. By now we've been through couchsurfers, weddings, engagements, jobs, babies, healing, etc. together and there's just a point where you are forced to break down with one another and let them be closer. I've stayed for significant amounts of time in other community house across the country and without Christ being a center point for growth it just doesn't work. It's just not family. This is family. This is the body. We are His children just living life together.

Gardening time is upon us!
Spring is so beautiful, makes up for the humidity levels that will soon befall us!
Oh Tennessee, the more I try and run from you, the more you make me love you.
Now if I could just get a kitten or a horse, preferably the later, but I'll take what I
can get.

About a month ago God told me He would show me His love through a baby and at random time to me, perfect time to Him, He has done so. My boss/friend at the tea room just had a baby boy on Tuesday. Mind you, I loathe children, but there is something about this one. Man, just holding him. dang.


Saturday, March 14, 2009

One of those perfect rainy, writing nights

I keep finding myself in these spots where I can see the lit path & I can see the complacent, yet still moving one. I suppose my flesh and the influence of this world we're in urges me that the lit path is a false since of hope. No being could ever provide the things we desire. It is almost as if we are determined to prove that the Matrix is everywhere, that Zion is even a Matrix.

I've stared at the lit path for far to long & been afraid of losing my wit & smarts on that path, but these other parts aren't going anywhere either, so what'll it hurt.

This is healing.

I love when community hits you in the face & you feel safe with these people that aren't blood. What amazing things people who refuse the light miss out on.

5 years later I think I'm finally appreciating the anchor to the extent I should have ages ago.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

The possibility of the impossible.

If you study a pattern and set out to
change the pattern with the solution
that you have conjured up is it really
a solution or just your own perception
of the solution. perception.
So how could there be any real, legitimate
solutions if not guided by a being that has
more logic than any of us could manage to

Incapable of seeing a bigger picture than
the picture I see as the biggest I am actually
unable to manipulate any situation to my liking
without it failing due to my lack of knowledge of
another factor.

The equation mind will always go in circles, because
it will never have all the variables it needs to come to
the correct answer.

That's when it rolls back into the 360 of point A and just
being alright and living. Could it really be that simple
though? Why would certain minds be capable of thinking
past the simple if there were not thoughts that needed to
be thought beyond that?

had Pandora on and the song 'It's Simple by Rose Hill Drive'
came on as I was writing. Happenstance? Hah

What thoughts could need to be thought though to find
productivity that have not already been though?

God is laughing at me right now. I just know it and I don't
blame Him.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

My idol mind.

This mind is by no means idle, but definitely has become my greatest admiration these past weeks. It became my constant companion, yet my worst enemy. It's strange to think that something like a brain could be the parallel of drugs, but for me it has been.

I have felt unable to lay my many thoughts before God and say, these are all yours, the good and the bad. Please sort through and let me see only truth. I am still dealing with the position of saying - God, you know more than me and I turn to you for logic, not my human mind that can only think so far into things.
I'm afriad of what I will miss that I can discover myself by submitting all thoughts to a being I have felt, but cannot see. Trust, He whispers to me. Am I really dumbing myself down by surrendering or would I be the foolish one to think my own mind so great?
That's obvious.

It's almost comical the things I can consider to be a sacrifice from me to Him after all that He has done for me both visible and invisible.